My mom, 1967.

It’s been just over a month since she passed away. Maybe someday I will be released from this torture of sadness; but for now I am haunted by sleepless nights, memories, and feelings of emptiness. I realize that nothing can fill the gap that a mother impresses in your heart.

I had a dream the other night. I am still deciding if it was a nightmare. 

I dreamt that my mother came back alive. She was still sick, but she was alive. And she knew she was going to die, and so did I. And the pain was waiting for her to pass away. Not knowing which day, which hour, which minute. 

I spent every second with her. She couldn’t talk, but neither could I. In the dream I felt her presence next to me. 

Then she died.

I had to go through the pain all over again. 

I woke up with a confidence that I didn’t want her to come back alive. Because if she did, I would have to deal with the hope, the joy, and then the pain. And I’ve already had to deal with it all.

Maybe it was a nightmare. Maybe it was dream.  

Never sleep. Just don’t. 

You can’t sleep when you’re worried about things that turn into nightmares.

Shove emotions down way deep

They sometimes pour out, right before I sleep

I cannot give up, because if I do,

Then my mom might die, and I might too.

Full moon.

People dancing, freedom.

Crying.

Pain, emotions, confused.

Sadness.

Broken, hurt, yelling.

Creativity. 

Pissed, Sniffing glue, Concentration.

Failure.

Depression, anger, hate.

Give up.

Hope, God, Pearl.

Music.

Powerful. 

Love.

love.

love.

sleep.